Co-dependency has been described as the relationship dance between two people – where one is the FIXER/PLEASER and the other person is the TAKER or NARCISSIST. Or, it can be referred to as the disease to please others.
If you are co-dependent you will have a strong desire to please others. You will maintain relationships that are one-sided that are destructive and can be abusive. Low Self-esteem is a hallmark of co-dependency where we look outside of ourselves to feel better. You will feel good by being needed by others.
So, for example, you will find pleasure from the act of co-dependency, addicted to helping needy and sick folks, in the same way the addict will experience from using or drinking.
Another key hallmark of co-dependent behaviour, is lowering your standards to either stay in a relationship with an addicted person or family member. Co-dependent’s mood alter through rescuing, control, over work, shopping and chaotic love relationships.
Co-dependents have little or no boundaries. Instead, they can immerse themselves into their relationships; creating a pathological and compulsive dynamic with folks they are trying to help, rescue or save.
I understand this totally. In my 20’s and 30’s I was completely co-dependent in my relationships with partners. That was until I realised, whilst working on myself, what was going on – the dynamic. Once I got this, I was committed to stopping the unhealthy cycle of behaving and recovering from it.
Had I not have been working on myself that is, therapy and a 12-step recovery program, with one particular individual I was involved with, I would have literally become financially bankrupt not to mention, emotionally bankrupt.
Thank goodness I was in a position to realise what the dynamic was in the above-mentioned relationship, so I could leave it before it became destructive to me. But I want to re-iterate again, I only understood what was going on as I was working on me.
This is why I am a Codependent Recovery Coach.
Co-dependency is deeply rooted. Sometimes we may find that even after therapy and the 12 Step Recovery programs that our unhealthy patterns of relating to ourselves and others are still there.
20 years ago, had there been such a thing as a Codependent Recovery Coach, I would have gained awareness sooner and with that awareness made changes faster. Thereby enabling me to have vision for a better life. With a vision I could manifest.
I also have a community on Facebook, a group for this very reason also:
My purpose is to help Co-dependents, and or ACOA’s (Adult Children of Alcoholics) who might be experiencing or have experienced the same as I have, break the cycle of Co-dependency in our relationship with ourselves and others.
If you are in a relationship with someone in addictive addiction you will be suffering also. The next time you’re thinking about helping your addicted loved one, pause.
Are you really the one who should be helping them?
If you’re the one the addict calls every time, they’re in trouble, you’re probably not helping them.
You are possibly just enabling them to either stay in addiction or to stay in a co-dependent relationship with you.
I would encourage you, if you have been in a relationship with someone, or currently are, or if any of this resonates, that you learn about addiction and enabling. Above all seek support to break these patterns.
If your relationships are leaving you feeling angry, bitter and on the losing end; causing you emotional pain and chaos, you deserve better than that.
If left unchecked this issue will keep you in toxic relationships (where you will be doing the heavy lifting), burned out and stressed as a minimum. Not to mention your self-esteem will continue southwards.
What you can do?
If you want to explore finding out more about Co-dependency checkout my website:
There you will find complimentary resources, like my e-book on Codependency and Families with addiction.
Or book a complimentary call with me to find out more and how I can help, if you think you might be co-dependent or in a co-dependent relationship:
You might also consider going to Al Anon or Co-Dependents Anonymous 12 Step Group. They host meetings online with Zoom.
The main thing to consider is not to stay stuck or in a situation that is unhealthy for you or to your detriment. Take Action.
Warmest wishes, Maria.