What is Co-dependency? Am I in this relationship dance?
Co-dependency has been described as the relationship dance between two people where one is the FIXER/PLEASER and the other person is the TAKER or NARCISSISST. Or, it can be referred to as the disease to please others.
If you are co-dependent you will have a strong desire to please others. You will maintain relationships that are one-sided (you more than likely will be on the losing end) that are destructive and abusive. Low Self-esteem is a hallmark of co-dependency where we look outside of ourselves to feel better. You will feel good by being needed by others.
So, for example, you will find pleasure from the act of co-dependency, addicted to helping needy and sick folks, in the same way the addict will experience from using or drinking.
Another key hallmarks (I have found), of co-dependent behaviour, is lowering your standards to either stay in a relationship with an addicted person or family member. Co-dependents mood alter through rescuing, control, work, shopping and chaotic love relationships.
Co-dependants have little or no boundaries. Instead, they can immerse themselves into their relationships; creating a pathological and compulsive dynamic with folks they are trying to help, rescue or save.
Sometimes they will bankrupt themselves (literally and emotionally) to rescue their loved one, then they become bitter thereafter when they have been taken advantage of.
They feel like victims in the role of giving, people pleasing but refuse to set limits. Very often these behaviours are justified to enable their loved one’s addiction. One might ask who is sicker, the person in addictive addiction or the co-dependant? Both need help.
I understand this totally. In my 20’s and 30’s I was completely co-dependent in my relationships with partners. That was until I realised, whilst working on myself, what was going on – the dynamic. Once I got this, I was committed to stopping the unhealthy cycle of behaving and recovering from it.
Had I not have been working on myself, that is, therapy and a 12-step recovery program, with one particular individual I was involved with, I would have literally become financially bankrupt not to mention, emotionally bankrupt.
Thank goodness I was in a position to realise what the dynamic was in the above-mentioned relationship, so I could leave it before it became destructive. BUT I want to re-iterate again, I only got all of this as I was working on me.
This is one of the reasons why I have set up the facebook group, to help women who might be experiencing or have experienced the same as I have. That is, to help them break the cycle of behaviour that exists with addiction and co-addiction (co-dependency).
Otherwise, ladies, the prognosis for living a healthy, happy life are greatly diminished.
The next time you’re thinking about helping your addicted loved one, pause.
Are you really the one who should be helping them?
If you’re the one the addict calls every time, they’re in trouble, you’re probably not helping them.
OR, if you are the person in the family or with friends always the “go to” person for fixing their problems, you might not be helping them.
You are possibly just enabling them to either stay in addiction or to stay in a co-dependent relationship with you.
This means you may have developed the same dishonest thinking patterns like the addicted loved one has.
Addicts aren’t the only ones who need protecting from themselves, co-dependent folks need help too.
I would encourage you, if you have been in a relationship with someone, OR currently are, OR if any of this resonates, that you learn about addiction. Get support and help.
If your relationships are leaving you feeling angry, bitter and on the losing end; Where they are upsetting you, causing you emotional pain and chaos, you deserve better than that.
There are 12 step programs that can help like Ala-Non and CODA.
Not to mention my facebook group. See my link.
All food for thought.
Please below the links to my facebook group and page.
https://www.facebook.com/CoaddictionandCodependency – FB Page URL